Revenge of the Genesis Brotherhood— Part One
I’m sure everyone remembers his glory days. For some its being the supreme king of schoolyard tag; others, being able to chug the most chocolate milks in 60 seconds. But alas, to many of us who grew up in the nineties, it was a prominent event; a universal code by which everyone lived and did their best to honor. All ten year-olds were brothers but sworn enemies under the divine law of the SEGA GENESIS. Respected, dignified, cherished by all, the Sega Genesis was both a means to glory and a potential path to humiliation. All those who obeyed the code of Sega knew these 3 vital (yet unwritten) laws:
- He who beat it, has the right to brag.
- Girls don’t play video games.
- It is considered a sacred ritual to keep games in complete condition.
This, my friends, is why I come before you today… I have but a humble story to tell. A story of deception, discipline, and downright fury. Let it unfold…
Giddy as a schoolgirl (awkward) I was when I ran home with my rented copy of VectorMan. Blockbuster was a haven for my beloved Genesis and had always served me well in times of dire need. The thrill of walking up the countless aisles of games, eyeing the marvelous publication of Sega and its affiliates; the thrill of spending half an hour just looking, creating a list of games that would be rented in the future; this thrill always kept me on the edge of my seat (gaming or otherwise), as all of the days of my youth would be filled with the blissful eagerness of going to Blockbuster and seeking that elusive game for the weekend.
VectorMan in my hand. Fist of triumph proudly in the air. Cue motivational music. Running up the steps to my front door, I bolt directly to my living room, open the box, pop in the game, when lo and behold…
No manual.
This could not be. It has to be in here. Blockbuster had never failed me, why does it need to start so? Oh God, my one true love has to come from my one true hate? The words I spoke after this horrid event. Ok ok, maybe it wasn’t me… maybe that last part was Shakespeare, and maybe my ten year-old self said “Stupid movie store!”, but you get the idea, right?
Still skeptical, I run back to the store and complain to an employee. Then I realized that he wasn’t an employee, just a guy wearing a blue vest. But I found an employee. Yes, I did. What he said tantalizes me to this very day:
“No manual? Well, just figure it out.”
Figure it out. FIGURE IT OUT. I’M TEN, I CAN’T EVEN TALK TO GIRLS, HALF THE POPULATION OF THE HUMAN SPECIES, AND YOU’RE TELLING ME TO “FIGURE OUT?” A HIGHLY SOPHISTICATED PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY?
Maybe I cried. I can’t remember.
I stormed home. The sky started to swirl like a vat of black paint splattering a clean canvas. The wind, it was hungry like the wolf, howling over the lands, shattering the souls of those who heard it. The sky roared with thunder, slamming the ground like a hammer, creating sparks of lightning and heat with every swing. The dark blacksmith of nature had forged a storm of ages. Shadows hid from the sky, afraid of the darkness it was becoming. The sun seemed to burn out as a veil of clouds engulfed it entirely. The earth burst into flames, killing all those who stood in its path. Trees chuckled and twisted their branches towards the sky, as if they were praying to the mighty Genesis God. It was a barren wasteland. This became; the land of Genesis.
Apparently it had caused much change in me as well. My rage had given me supernatural abilities; flight, lightning, mind control, super agility… and of course, the undeniable awesomeness of that Jedi thing where you can close your fingers and choke people. Man, I never get tired of that.
And that day, I vowed then and there to destroy that thief. He had annulled the sacred doctrine of the Sega Genesis… rule number three had been abolished, and he would pay for his doing so.
Trekking across the barren wastelands of the Genesis Plains, I was beginning to grow weary from thirst and hunger… and the tour group. They needed to go. Just as I was about to roundhouse kick them in the face (yes, collectively… go figure) I heard a cry for help from across the ways; I dashed to the scene when I stumbled upon a strange sight.
There, hovering over a campfire, was a dwarf, a barbarian, and an Amazon warrior; just as cold and miserable as me. The barbarian spoke:
“You there… I beseech you, help my comrades and me defeat the evil plaguing this brave new world. We beg of you; there is an evil king destroying the humility and justice of our lands. He has thrown our morals into great turmoil. They are on the verge of being destroyed. Our land and its people are in grave peril; if you help us defeat the evil king Adder, we might be able to assist you in your quest.”
“How do you know of my quest?” I asked, cold and confused.
“You are known across the lands; you are the Justifier. You wish to create harmony amongst the gamers of this land, and bring peace to the sacraments of manuals and game cases,” replied the dwarf.
After pondering for a moment, I decided that I would need help; this thief, I theorized, would be strong and determined; after all, if he had the balls to steal a game manual and contravene a (somewhat) holy doctrine, he must be a man of great cunning and ability.
“Yes, great warrior, I shall aid you in your quest. Wherein does he dwell?” I asked.
“To the north; past a decrepit city and a monastery, beyond a rolling pasture of magic,” he replied.
“Ok…then Adder…get ready,” I said in a voice echoing with gravel, as I strapped on my red cloak and grabbed my magic missile gun. “Rise from your grave… so I can put you back where you belong; in hell.”
To Be Continued…
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